Tuesday, May 01, 2007

naturalization test = useless.

i read a blurb about the new naturalization test, the test the u.s. gives hopeful u.s. citizens. questions include useless dreck like, "why are there 13 stripes on the u.s. flag?" and "what are three of the original states?"

like any of these trivia questions are related to becoming a good citizen.

how about...

1) your daughter decides to marry someone of another religion. do you...

a) beat her.
b) never let her in the house EVER AGAIN.
c) threaten the future husband.
d) wish her well. the united states is about personal choices.

2) your son is making fun of the president in public. do you...

a) tell him to shut up, because he'll get in BIG TROUBLE.
b) grab the family and head for the canadian border, because the officials will be arriving at any minute to cuff him and take him away.
c) tell him that being a good citizen means keeping quiet.
d) what the hell... it's a free country. you're allowed to call bush a douchebag. the only people who care are freepers, and they're just keyboard thugs.

3) you're from BLAH and you find out your next door neighbor is from POOT. BLAH and POOT are countries in a volatile region of the world, and in that region of the world, the citizens of BLAH and the citizens of POOT don't get along. in fact, suicide bombing and random military raids aren't uncommon.

a) teach your children that POOTies are treacherous, murderous people.
b) put a stink bomb under the door of your neighbor.
c) start hoarding weapons. you never know if that dirty POOT will rape your children.
d) shut up, and drop your baggage at the door. you no longer live in BLAH, because something shady about BLAH caused you to move here, and you wanted your kids to have a better life. that's why you came here in the first place, right? bake your neighbor a cake and invite them over to see the sopranos. and put your kids in the same little league, and deal with it.

4) you look across the alley into your neighbor's house, and your neighbor's college-aged son is making out with another man inside the house. do you...

a) call the police. homosexuality is a capital crime.
b) tell your kids that if they do what "those men" are doing you will personally kill them.
c) get the guys' attention and threaten them with bodily harm.
d) mind your own business. it's legal, after all.

anything other than (d)s is an automatic fail.


emily1 said...

please, please put this on paper and send it to the idiots who designed these tests.

Miss Vicki said...

The 1st time I read some of the questions on the naturalization test, I choked with laughter.

The majority of us people born here in the United States don't know the answers to those questions.

I think we should use your test instead. I enjoyed reading that.