Something Stuck In My Craw

i have that acrid feeling in the back of my throat again. stress. dread. anxiety. and always that poisonous feeling of rage. i hate myself for saying this, but i miss the sweet bliss of apathy. frankly, i'd give anything not to care about politics again. just a few years ago, it all seemed so harmless -- a burlesque parade of manufactured soap opera scandals.

i know now that the culture war is real. if bush takes it, he's going to pack the court with a bunch of clucking old bastards who will write away women's property rights to their own bodies right after taking a wrecking ball to the wall separating church and state. meanwhile, a crowd of crowing devout will pat themselves on the back for achieving another victory for jesus, and all i can think about are women and girls bleeding to death in botched illegal abortions.

i had a screaming match with my father over this election. he said in so many words that i am an idiot who doesn't know what she's talking about. i know this is standard fare for parents towards even their adult children, but it still pisses me off. we ended up arguing about minutae -- the phrase 'imminent threat' versus 'gathering threat.' i told him i was going to send him some articles supporting what i had to say, but i'm not going to bother. nothing i say or do will make a damned bit of difference. this is someone who thinks rush limbaugh is a 'smart man' but froths at the mouth over michael moore and doesn't detect a trace of irony in any of it.

something about the political discourse in this country freezes the tongue. jon stewart recently claimed that political television is nothing more than theater. he shouldn't have stopped there. all politics in this country is theater.

sometimes at work, the subject of politics arises and sends a bolt of tension through my spine. most of my american co-workers can barely contain themselves in their eagerness to impart the latest talking points they've absorbed form the chattering heads on tv, all convinced they are slyly converting people with their wise, thoughtful, and considered opinions.

the difference between them and my foreign-born coworkers is mind-blowing. the foreign-born co-workers don't play politics like good pavlovian poodles. they express real opinions. they don't seem compelled to spout inanities about corporate overlords, trial lawyers, or bang the old 'the gubmint can't do nothing right' drum. they also don't seem afraid to simply state their opinions and why they have them.

the americans however, seem to approach the political discussion from a dishonest perspective -- no matter how partisan they are, they try to position themselves as members of that honorable, elite cadre of non-partisan wise heads who are above all that messy political fray. they also try to frame their positions as if they weren't opinions formed on the basis of a subjective reality, but the bare and obvious truth. it all adds up to a vaguely manipulative power game, regardless of which side they support.

i wish i were more articulate today. i'm trying to verbalize something that isn't quite coming out right. i'm exhausted. i'm always introducing ideas and promising to develop them further in subsequent posts, but i never do. i don't know if i'll return to this subject. i don't know if want to.