guide to political activists planning to come to NYC for the RNC part I

dear protesters,

we the people of new york city welcome anyone who wants to come to our quaint little town to exercise his or her first amendment rights. yes, political speech is protected by the constitution! kick ass, right? however, some of you might feel tempted to break the law and cause EXTREME!(tm) [scroll down to "what is it with EXTREME?"] disturbances. see, drawing cartoons of george w. bush looking stupid is fine. go nuts. however, throwing molotov cocktails is not cool, nor is spraying people with pee pee from super soakers. just remember, you are not sadistic reality television producers, and the NYPD and the white men wearing suits and elephant buttons are not contestants on "fear factor."

since some of you might be tempted to make all liberals look like jackasses, i have compiled a list of things *not* to do during the protests:

1) please do not throw squirming livestock at the republicans and the police. if you are confused as to what this entails, please click on the "quicktime" link to view the short clip (the windows media link is broken). i don't care if you are going to roast the animals on a spit later; just don't do it.

2) please do not decapitate statues. doing so is "too EXTREME!(tm)" and a "smear on mankind."

3) please do not set yourself on fire. not only will you die a horrible death, it's already been done, so you won't be honored by getting on the cover of a rage against the machine album. relax, it's just an election. besides, when the bassist of RATM decided to climb up a 15 foot tower to protest limp bizkit getting an award, we knew their reign as the most politically charged band of the decade had come to an end. [that was SO NOT EXTREME!(tm)] i guess there was just nothing left to protest, and they had to disband.

4) please do not give yourself diarrhea and throw the end product at the police. i guess this gives new meaning to the phrase "montezuma's revenge."

anyhow, play nice. see, look at the poor man. aww... perhaps we should just be nice and give him a pretzel.