Thursday, August 09, 2007

old news, with an obvious twist.

you've heard about the robo-johns the mayor of ft. lauderdale plans to install to deter gay sex - these robotic stalls only allow a user to be inside for a short period of time before the door opens.

okay forget the obvious absurdity of spending $250,000 of taxpayers' money to curb an insignificant problem.

here's the real problem: the only thing it's going to deter is people trying to take a shit. people like to relax when they take a shit. they don't want to feel stressed out when they're trying to drop a log, okay? the process of taking a crap is often not a speedy one, and the last thing you want is the door flying open in the middle of pinching a loaf, thereby exposing your unfinished endeavor to the public. if you're particularly backed up, you can be in there for ten minutes. you can be red-faced, straining, hoping something material will be ejected from your ass, and then WHOOOSH!!! the door flies open - and you STILL haven't produced anything but a fart. furthermore, added stress often tenses sphincter muscles - you install a timer, and i guarantee that many people will be unable to crap.

the fundamental purpose of a toilet is to allow people to take a dump. people cannot take dumps when there's a clock ticking. therefore, automatic timers frustrate the fundamental purpose of a toilet.

with the robo-john, nothing will be going in your ass - but nothing will be coming out of it either.

thank you all for listening. please forward this to the mayor of ft. lauderdale.


emily1 said...

i'm trying really hard not to break out in gales of laughter. it would be unseemly five minutes after i walked into the office.

emily2 said...

the one thing that ties humanity together is that we all have to poop.

Anonymous said...


Most likely they're slapping on a fresh coat of paint over bridges that need much more than that, but they can find a quarter of a million dollars for this nonsense.

Somewhere in the void, the ghost of H.L. Mencken is whispering, "A puritan is someone who's worrying that somebody somewhere is having a good time."

And he's laughing.