Thursday, August 09, 2007

old news, with an obvious twist.



you've heard about the robo-johns the mayor of ft. lauderdale plans to install to deter gay sex - these robotic stalls only allow a user to be inside for a short period of time before the door opens.

okay forget the obvious absurdity of spending $250,000 of taxpayers' money to curb an insignificant problem.

here's the real problem: the only thing it's going to deter is people trying to take a shit. people like to relax when they take a shit. they don't want to feel stressed out when they're trying to drop a log, okay? the process of taking a crap is often not a speedy one, and the last thing you want is the door flying open in the middle of pinching a loaf, thereby exposing your unfinished endeavor to the public. if you're particularly backed up, you can be in there for ten minutes. you can be red-faced, straining, hoping something material will be ejected from your ass, and then WHOOOSH!!! the door flies open - and you STILL haven't produced anything but a fart. furthermore, added stress often tenses sphincter muscles - you install a timer, and i guarantee that many people will be unable to crap.

the fundamental purpose of a toilet is to allow people to take a dump. people cannot take dumps when there's a clock ticking. therefore, automatic timers frustrate the fundamental purpose of a toilet.

with the robo-john, nothing will be going in your ass - but nothing will be coming out of it either.

thank you all for listening. please forward this to the mayor of ft. lauderdale.

3 comments:

emily1 said...

i'm trying really hard not to break out in gales of laughter. it would be unseemly five minutes after i walked into the office.

emily2 said...

the one thing that ties humanity together is that we all have to poop.

D.R. Scott said...

Right.

Most likely they're slapping on a fresh coat of paint over bridges that need much more than that, but they can find a quarter of a million dollars for this nonsense.

Somewhere in the void, the ghost of H.L. Mencken is whispering, "A puritan is someone who's worrying that somebody somewhere is having a good time."

And he's laughing.