grrr

i just got a really sexy new computer. i've been operating off other people's machinery for so long that it feels almost surreal to have my own access to technology. of course, i'm putting all of my cds on here and then putting them in their little cases so that they remain undestroyed for future reference. my records next. hehehe.

i hate summer because it's the time of year when the war between myself and my body is magnified. i've been sulking all day because i hate how my jeans fit and how every one of my tee shirts have those stupid cap sleeves. i've been taking it a meal at a time for weeks now. at least i'm at the point now where i'm not at all ashamed of myself, nor my stubbornly persisting perception of obesity, and i can go outside in short sleeves or a bikini or a damn grass skirt if i want, whereas as little as two years ago i'd wear jeans and boots and a sweatshirt in ninety degree heat in the middle of august.

i'm angry. there's nothing wrong with me and there's nothing wrong with my body and if i were to lose more than ten pounds it would really not be a good scene. i've come to the point where i can see the difference between what is real and what is a fucked up girly competitive ideal. i would tell any other woman who looks like me that she has a strong healthy body. i don't know why this is so difficult. for a really long time i believed this was just something stupid i had to deal with...not a serious problem, nor something common, but now i'm starting to see that there's something sick in all of our minds that makes us feel like how we are is not good enough. i feel like cutting and starving are the plague of my generation. in my self-imposed isolation, i truly believed my thoughts and behaviors were relevant only to me. now that i'm a lot better than i used to be i see i'm not the only one on the t with scars on my arms and i'm definately not the only one who fears food. so what the fuck? it's frightening when you realise you're not the one who's fucked up, it's the world around you. trite? perhaps. and maybe it's not exactly healthy to be angry all the time. but i maintain that being angry is certainly better than feeling passive and by god i'm so sick of all this bullshit.