Thursday, April 26, 2007

today i saw the man who raped me two years ago. i don't think he saw me. i was a few feet away from the stairwell leading to the t station, and so i pretended i hadn't seen him and forced myself down the first flight before i pressed against the wall and turned to look at his back. bleach blonde and a little overweight, but not by much. solid and definately him by the walk. i was dressed nontraditonally for me today, had i been wearing my boots i'm sure he would have recognized me. but no, i was wearing jeans and flip flops and carrying a different kind of bag than i've always used. my hair was down and mostly in my face, while the last time i saw him it was chopped up, short and uneven. i've also lost a lot of weight. but i can't be sure he didn't turn and look. i can't be sure of why he was in my neighborhood. i can't be sure somebody didn't tell him where i am. i'm not scared, just angry. how fucking dare he. how fucking dare he walk down the street like he owns it. the man gets away with everything he pleases. i always thought i'd rip his face off if i ever saw him again. but no, i walked on by like he was nobody.

i wanted to write about this earlier, but now i'm just exhausted and wide awake. it doesn't make any difference. he nearly destroyed me. he drugged and raped me and put me in the shower afterwards. he left me with little recourse. i fought hard to recover from this and now i am okay. i suppose that's the actual point. they say the best revenge is doing well, and i have sworn to do fabulously. but there are people that i do not trust who know both of us and may have let him know where i am. i know him. he is conniving. if i see him again i'm immediately getting a restraining order. he is the only person on this earth that i can say with some assuredness i may actually end up killing someday. if he ever came after me again i would fight to the death. and i would win. which is why he drugged me in the first place.



Denise said...

I have often wondered what I would do if I saw the man who raped me. And I often am thankful that I don't think I would recognize him if fate did bring him my way. I was only 11, that was 30 years ago, surely I wouldn't recognize him. I don't think I would want to. I am a little afraid that my nicely balanced calm world would crumble. or explode.

Be safe and be strong.

emily3 said...

the truth is that i am so grateful for that nice fight or flight response that kept me acting without rational thought. i still don't know what i'd do if i saw him again. besides get a restraining order, i suppose.

this is the thing: he looks like hell. and i sure hope the same is true of the fuckhead who did that to you at eleven. let's hope the world got him good. (they say those with enough rope hang themselves.)

safe and strong. i will be. thank you. you too, please.

emily0 said...

Three, I am so sorry you had to run into that shit and you know we have your back if there is ever trouble.

As a household of women, I can tell you that restraining orders and fear of predation based on actual stalkers has been a problem in the past and we know how to fix that shit now.

Mentally, too, I mean. I'm not blustering. We'll work it out. Project: bonobo women use teamwork (BWUT). We got a big ole BWUT and we're gonna use it.

emily3 said...

i love that i have a bwut. my friends fucking rock.