thomas pink after-christmas sale.

thomas pink is a fancy shirt store on madison avenue. normally, insecure men shop there. but this week, there was a sale where the stratospheric prices fell into the double digits so that rational human beings could justify walking through the revolving doors. don't get me wrong. the shirts are nice. really nice. but no shirt is $195 nice, especially a $195 shirt from a shop, despite being marketed as a jermyn street boutique, has evolved into a chain with a factory in eastern europe.

thomas pink also has a growing women's line. since work has trickled to a dribble, placing my job is in jeopardy, i decided to go shopping. (yes, that is how my mind works. leave me alone.)

the place was a madhouse. people were on their cell phones excitedly calling their buddies, "thomas pink is having a sale!" shirts were flying right and left. plastic and cardboard were strewn all over the dressing rooms. the sales staff seemed perturbed that the normally staid store had descended into chaos. i made my way to the women's section, which was the center of the madness. although thomas pink caters mostly to men, when a store with normally obscene prices has a sale, and there are women's clothes present, women will descend upon the sale and turn feral.

it appears that there are three types of women that shop at thomas pink during a sale. spoiled kids, power lesbians, and cheap asians.

spoiled adolescents and college students, westchestera materialosa (feral meter: wild housecat)

this specimen is the least dangerous of the three. although a nuisance, the only damage she will inflict is the depletion of her mother's bank account. this specimen always has her exasperated mother in tow. she also has the habit of articulating the word "mom" with three syllables.

overheard: "mo-o-om! i need matching cufflinks for each of my shirts for my interviews."

MATCHING CUFFLINKS? bitch, you must be trippin'. okay, let me correct my earlier statement. perhaps she is also a danger to herself, as everyone around her will want to smack her.

power lesbians, gucciloafera mulleta (feral meter: sabre-toothed lion)

this specimen hunts in pairs, and since they hunt in pairs, they have the tendency to monopolize one of the only two dressing rooms in the store. one stays in the cave and sends the other, usually named "HONNNEEEEYYYYYYY!!!!!" to prowl for prey. that way, they will always have a dressing room, and everyone else is shit outta luck. the "HONNNEEEEYYYYYYY!!!!!" subspecies of gucciloafera mulleta generally has a heartier build than westchestera materialosa, who will scatter in fear when "HONNNEEEEYYYYYYY!!!!!" approaches, although it hardly matters, because the two species are not after the same prey. westchestera materialosa has the eating habits of nicole ritchie or a brazilian model, and gucciloafera mulleta looks like she could eat nicole ritchie or a brazilian model for breakfast.

gucciloafera mulleta will occupy its cave for at least an hour and end up spending at least $2,000 on city cut or tailored shirts before hitting barney's new york.

cheap asians, yuppiasiana craziosa (feral meter: suicide bomber)

i pity the foo' who gets in the way of a member of this species. yuppiasiana craziosa looks conservative and reserved, but all bets are off at a sale. she will lay waste to a sales rack like the aliens ravaged new jersey in "war of the worlds." if you get in her way, the ground will be covered in human blood. probably yours. this species is biologically wired to look fabulous, yet she has been trained by her parents since a baby to spend nothing. these competing instincts result in an uncontrollable desire to locate the least expensive but most fabulous item in the store, which results in her snatching everything her size in the most efficient way possible. this means knocking everyone aside and rifling through everything with the tenacity of a pit bull. even "HONNNEEEEYYYYYYY!!!!!" is frightened of her. yuppiasiana craziosa is usually the same size as westchestera materialosa, which often results in westchestera materialosa leaving in a body bag.

when yuppiasiana craziosa is done shopping, the sales staff breathes a sigh of relief. although yuppiasiana craziosa is too cheap to buy more than one shirt, at least there will be no more casualties.