voting trouble.

either election workers are being trained improperly or not at all, or they truly are bastards.

LESSON 1: YOU DO NOT NEED TWO FORMS OF ID TO VOTE. (and if i'm correct, you don't even need one. there is no national requirement to have an ID.)

some poll worker tried to pull that one on me this morning when i presented my new york driver's license (and i only did so, because people have a tendency to spell my last name incorrectly).

"i'm sorry, but you don't have a new jersey driver's license. please go and get proof of your address. you're not on the rolls. if you prove you live where you live, i'll give you a provisional ballot."

(bullshit i'm not on the rolls. i just called last week, and they told me i was registered!)

LESSON 2: now, let's make something very clear. you don't need a permanent address to vote. the dude who crashes on your couch, never pays rent, and drinks all of your beer while you work can vote. homeless people can vote.

with that being said, i'm left with a choice. go home and waste my time getting a second ID when i'm voting on a provisional ballot anyway (because they can't find my name), or duke it out.

i chose the latter. duh. (would you expect anything less?)

"i don't need to go home and get another form of ID," i say.

now my fiancee, whom i dearly love, decided to butt in and say something completely ignorant. "go home and get it. you can't vote unless you prove you live here."

excuse me?

LESSON 3: no, they're supposed to give me a provisional ballot, and then it's up to city hall to sort it out. the election workers are just supposed to direct traffic.

so now, i'm in a minor public spat with my fiancee at 6:30am on a tuesday morning somewhere in the middle of hoboken, nj.

"go get it!"

"no, they can't tell me to show another ID. it's not a requirement."

"yes it is a requirement!"

"NO IT'S NOT. i'm a lawyer. in fact, i helped organize election activists to monitor just this type of thing in law school." (okay, maybe my "help" was just forwarding an e-mail from the organizer of election monitoring at cardozo to some members of GALLSA, but at this point, a bit of exaggeration wasn't going to hurt.)

LESSON 4: now, funny how the word "lawyer" tends to make people move just a little bit faster. if you are a lawyer, i recommend dropping the "L" bomb if you're being jerked around. (i never even knew it worked!) three years, $120,000, and a bar license later, and now i realize that all that work doesn't necessarily lead to a steady or high paying job, but it sure makes sketchy people stop bluffing. (unless the person who is messing with you is also a lawyer, and then you're in for a nasty fight. so pick your battles carefully!)

so now, upon hearing the magic word, the election worker gets on the phone with the board of elections, who then instructs her to give me a provisional ballot.

so i go off in a corner, check off "menendez" and "sires" like a dutiful gay, stick the ballot into the packet, and hand it to the worker.

fiancee and i leave. but is this the end of it?

oh, how could it be... like the black eyed peas, "let's get it started!" (or "let's get retarded" - take your pick)

fiancee starts scolding me for making a scene. "you know they were suspecting you had committed election fraud? i heard them talking!"

i guess that she didn't like my response (laughter), so then she really starts in on me. at 6:45am in public somewhere in the middle of hoboken, nj.

"uh-huh. i'd like to see them try to pin that one on me."

"you want to go to jail?! why didn't you just go home and get another ID?"

"because it's not needed, and i don't have a form of ID with my address on it anyway!"

"you could have brought a bill, stupid."

"they're all in your name, genius!"

"we'll you were too lazy to get a new jersey license."

"i don't drive anyway! and that still doesn't take away from the fact that the poll workers shouldn't have asked for my identification in the first place!"

finally, i just lose it and hurl my keys at a stop sign, because i needed to throw something.

that was the end of it.

but later this morning, i'm feeling a little paranoid. election fraud is some serious bidnass. ann coulter might be following in martha stewart's footsteps because of a possible election snafu. and the irrational thought of being ann coulter's cellmate spurred me into calling the authorities.

so i call the superintendent of elections in hudson county just to make sure that i'm "on the list."

i was. *whew!*

so then i tell the lady what happened this morning just to find out if i was truly right, and she surprised me by apologizing profusely. she told me that this type of "harassment" (her words, not mine) tends to happen in hoboken. "they have this type of mentality there." what? yuppie hatred doesn't just exist in williamsburg? hoboken is the last place i would expect to encounter voter intimidation. newark, maybe. but hoboken? the mere concept requires flexing one's imagination.

"hey, vito. it's another yuppie scumbag. tell him he needs to bring his frat pledge pin to vote. what? he gave it to his ex-girlfriend? SEND HIM HOME! he has no valid ID!"

"hey, bennie. tell her that there is a dress code to vote, and ann taylor is not appropriate attire. no suits allowed."

"hey, gina. unless that is a fake north face parka, ask her for two forms of ID. but if she's wearing hoop earrings, we can forgive her for wearing a real parka, and just let her vote without an ID."

i don't know. maybe the old school hoboken crowd a la frank sinatra before he became effete just hates "libruhl" manhattan expats like me crossing over the hudson to live and vote in their precinct.

or maybe, god forbid, they were racist twats who just got PWN3D.

or maybe they just weren't told what to do. after all, this is new jersey. at some point earlier this year, thanks to corzine, we didn't even have a government!

LESSON 5: not all election workers who give you grief are thugs. some are probably just being automatons and doing what they think they should be doing or were misinformed. but either way, don't doubt yourself or acquiesce. intimidation is a state of mind. voting is your right. remember that.