Gays Are Totally Going Mainstream

a comment at Feministe on a post about pressure to marry:

Funny enough, this isn’t such a heteronormative question any more. I’ve been with my partner for 4 years now, and when the whole gay marriage thing started, the questions started. My mom bought me Dan Savage’s book “The Commitment” for xmas, in which she wrote: “whatever you decide I’ll support you.” Now, we had not, at that point, discussed marriage. So, despite being beautiful and sweet and supportive, it was also passive aggressive in that way only moms can be. Then she started mentioning all the gay couples she knew traveling to Canada to tie the knot. Then she wanted to know who would buy the ring. Then my partner’s family started in: all the gay aunts (except the one’s who are anti-marriage) dropped subtle hints about us moving to Massachusetts. This, in my opinion, is the one true downside to gay marriage.

Update: another comment from the same thread:

nterestingly, this is no longer a heteronormative question for me. My parents are members of PFLAG and Dignity (glbtq catholic organization), and are very supportive of me/my life overall. I’ve received a little marriage or commitment ceremony pressure now and then, but I got a huge-unto-sickening dose of it recently.

My partner and I have been together for over six years, and look to be making a long haul of it. We’re committed to each other, but we’ve had no civil nor religious ceremonies, as neither are available to us, and besides we’re not religious. My mother, however, is very religious, and really wishes we could have some kind of marriage ceremony in a church. Regarding my past girlfriends, my mom has hinted at hoping that so-and-so is/will be “the one,”, but now it’s obvious who “the one” is, and mum wants to make it official in some way that’s valid to her and her religious tradition. Nevermind that I’ve never expressed and inkling of an inclination to have anything resembling a ceremony.

This past weekend, I flew out to Indy for a family reunion and stayed at/with my parents. My partner stayed home to visit with a friend and spend time hiking, for which I can’t blame and rather envy her. Anyway, it’s the first time I’ve been “home” without her in the time we’ve been together, so my mom took advantage of the opportunity to corner me and deliver the big speech on how important it is to have that ceremony, to be witnessed by one’s whole family and friends, to receive their acknowledgement and support, and so forth.

My younger brother got engaged not long ago, and will be having his wedding next spring. My mom’s involved in the planning, but of course as tradition dictates, more of the planning and decision making lies in the hands of the bridal family. I don’t doubt that some part of my mother’s wish for me to have a wedding is so that she can glory in being the mother of the bride, in throwing a huge formal party, and so forth. She said it would mean so much to her.

My mother isn’t overt in her pressure–it’s just constant, little things. She often leverages GLBTQ-support organization ideologies, remixed with some modern activist catholicism. Sometimes, the children question comes up too, to which I reply that I’m 31 and still no mothering instinct has arisen.

I support same-sex-marriage and all that, and I certainly wish the Catholic church would do the same (as well as ordain women priests, and other things), and I believe in civil ceremonies that bring together family and friends for the recognition and acknowledgement of committed relationship. But I don’t want the ceremony. My partner too is skeptical of the whole enterprise, and would rather spend our scarce vacation time doing something for us, rather than putting on a dog-and-pony-show for the sake of revitalizing tradition.

On one hand, I cannot complain of the support from my mom, but on the other hand, I like to live a quiet life and don’t like to get up in front of crowds to declare my most intimate reality. I adore my partner and I so enjoy our relationship and growth together. I don’t need the acknowledgement of my family to continue what we committed to privately years ago.

I guess the marriage pressure is better than homophobia…but both have an underlying assumption that I should be and act in a manner that is expected of me from some external source of judgment.