Difficult Grandmothers

yes, i know. my analysis of the south dakota report is way overdue. i have a programming assignment to complete, and i'm unexpectedly emotionally drained from visiting my maternal grandparents last week. i am profoundly ashamed that i did not keep in touch with them after i left home for college. my grandmother is a difficult person, and that's partly why i haven't seen or spoken to them very much. the other major reason is that it's so very hard for me to imagine a world without them because they were always such a loving and steady presence in my life.

ten years passed in the blink of an eye, and now i have this guilt for wasting all that precious time because they deserve so much better from me. i used to make fun of my mom for extolling that 'family feeling' when i was a cynical adolescent, but i understand what she meant now. i had nearly forgotten the easy and genuine love my mother's family has for us and that makes me ashamed too. i wish they more easily expressed that love towards my grandmother. i can't stop wondering how much of their behavior is due to her personality and how much of her personality is due to their behavior, which is usually rather dismissive.

my grandfather made the offhand remark before i left that it probably would have been best if my grandmother had died in the automobile accident that killed her sister and practically crippled my grandmother nine years ago. i didn't know what to say. i feel like the whole family is waiting for her to die and that she knows it. something in me wants to leap up in anger and yell at them to be kinder and more compassionate to someone who is obviously suffering so much. that ugly little thought has settled into the back of my mind where it is worrying at me, feeding the guilt i have for not doing more to let her know that i love her and that i am glad she lived.