oh the joys of waiting for medical tests

in the past two weeks, i have been poked and prodded too many times to count. i only went to the doctor, because i had a wart that needed to be removed, and in that visit, i also mentioned that i had been less than regular in the past few months.

the latter seemed to be of more concern to the primary care physician, so i ended up getting blood drawn. the test results came back with abnormally high blood sugar, which is a sign of diabetes, so they had me come back in to take another blood test. i couldn't remember whether i had eaten before the first one, so they told me not to eat for twelve hours before the second test. i still haven't gotten back the results.

meanwhile, i was referred to a gasterenterologist to help me figure out why my lower intestine sometimes likes to act up. this led to a trip to the radiologist today, which was a boatload of fun! i had to purge my system for 24 hours, and then they filled my lower intestines with milky fluid with a tube up my butt and took pictures with an x-ray.

so, ladies and gentlemen, i've been hungry for much of the past two weeks. first, the doctor told me i shouldn't be eating high sugar foods even if i weren't diabetic or pre-diabetic. secondly, i've gone two days without eating in the daytime/evening hours, which makes me a really ornery person. i've lost close to five pounds - with the not eating and the stress (please don't make me go into detail about the "roommate debacle" at this juncture - that is a battle that needs to be laid out in all its ricki lake-like glory at another time). i don't like losing weight, because it makes me look like a heroin addict, and then my clothes hang off of me, and i look frumpy and very 90s.

i know i shouldn't be guzzling down "super size me" volumes of starbucks whole milk lattes with sugar syrup and whipped cream, but i've consumed nothing but bottled water for the last 24 hours. i know i shouldn't be stuffing my face with these eight inch long chocolate biscottis, because i'll just be constipated again, but damn... I'M HUNGRY AND I NEED SUGAR AND I DON'T CARE IF MY BLOOD SUGAR REACHES A LEVEL THAT CAN KILL AN ELEPHANT.

at this time, i still don't know why i had to undergo all these tests. i'm thin, active, have low blood pressure, and (because i am dating someone who's anal retentive) i eat a balanced diet that is high in fiber, low in fat and reasonably low in sugars. our only cereal is bran logs, for crying out loud. no, not "frosted bran logs" or "bran logs with fruit bits" - but BRAN LOGS. like... "eat these twigs and shit for days."

the radiologist was a strange little man, who was suffering from hallucinations that the x-ray room was a photoshoot for a european edition of vogue. as i lay there with a tube up my ass, he kept putting my arms and legs in different positions, saying "ah yes... YESSSS! beautiful! beautiful! hold it right there, dahhhhhhling." *click* "ah, just teelt your head dees way! AH YES! PAHRFECT! PAHRFECT! *mwah!* *mwah!*"

when did bruno from the ali g show become a radiologist?

[HOLY SHIT! THAT WASN'T ALI G WAS IT?!?!?! am i going to end up on hbo with a tube up my ass?]

can we cue madonna and rupaul please?

the radiologist then snapped his fingers twice, did an about face, and quipped "okay, i'm done." and exited the room.

the technician came back in and took more pictures of my glowing colon, and then helped me to the bathroom, where a quart of milky white goodness exploded from my rear end.

weirdest. experience. ever.

(my girlfriend didn't help the anticipation of the test. here is an excerpt from a conversation this morning.

she: "well, um... you can pretend it's ME sticking the tube up your ass. *snort snort giggle giggle*"

me: "let me off the car. now.")

so today, i'm just going to say "fuck it" and guzzle down this monster latte and eat processed carbs, because i'm too skinny anyway and i just had a tube and balloon up my ass.