to the person with the voodoo doll:

please cut it out. i am not sure what i did in the recent past to piss you off, but it is unnecessary for you to inflict extreme sudden neck pain that caused me to sweat profusely on the PATH train. now it has migrated to my upper back. can't we just talk this out like adults? there is no need to use west african hexes on me.

i don't even know who you are, and i don't recall anything i did, which could have raised your ire. the only thing i did differently this past weekend was (1) attend a choral production, (2) eat greek food and (3) go shopping.

as to the first activity, maybe you didn't like someone with my proclivities being inside a catholic church, where the production was held. but an angry catholic wouldn't use a voodoo doll; an angry catholic would go pray or something. or beat me with a rosary. or maybe it was because i made fun of the lead actress, calling her "blossom's sister on crack." but no one heard me except my girlfriend, and she has assured me that she wasn't the one with the voodoo doll, even though she thought the production sucked.

as to the second activity, maybe you were offended by my choice of food. perhaps you have a cheese phobia. maybe you didn't like me peeling off the layers of moussaka in strips. maybe i burped and i didn't know it. who knows.

as to the third activity, i'm stumped. although i am aware that short hills mall is full of uptight prigs, i doubt any of you shoppers felt compelled to stick a chisel into a small effigy of me. you wouldn't want to accidentally ruin your expensive manicures by a misplaced stab. but maybe i bought the sweater that you wanted. maybe i took too long in the dressing room. maybe i looked better in those jeans.

in any event, please come forward, and we can talk this out. inflicting this level of pain is definitely a punishment that outweighs any crime i could have committed this weekend.