Friday, July 15, 2005

cutting



i was reading a really mindblowing journal entry recently on cutting. if you don't know what this is, let me share two different ways of approaching the topic: kidshealth.org and wikipedia (go to the disambiguation "Cutting as body modification, self-harm, or catharsis"). to quote the first source, "Injuring yourself on purpose by making scratches or cuts on your body with a sharp object - enough to break the skin and make it bleed - is called cutting."

i was a cutter - not as bad or regular as many women, but still. there are some scars.

cutting is a secretive thing. it's a private way to express the rage, self-loathing or need for release. it's somewhat common in women and very rare in men.

anyway, i can't cite this post, but i can tell you it really reminded me. i've been thinking about cutting - about the practice, not about cutting myself - because it seems to be all over the media recently, most prominently on the l-word's season finale. so in my comments, i wrote to her, "i haven't cut in a long time, but i used to, and i have strange scars from unusual objects. once i used briars: the long sweep of release stung like wasps plus that feeling you get after a good cry." i still have scars from that incident, and it's a kind of sense-memory when i trace that history on my leg.

no one ever knew i cut. of course, there was so much no one knew, and i'm still suffering psychological maladjustment from those days. a paralysing anxiety - gradually improving - and very nasty agoraphobia - also gradually improving - are some of the invisible scars i have. i wonder sometimes if i might have fewer internal scars if i had left them on my skin instead.

however, as i also wrote on her website, "cutting was like cigs for me: addictive, pleasurable & i really needed to quit." it can become addictive, a means to its own end; it isn't healthy to be harming your own body; it doesn't solve your problems, although it can let some of the emotional pus of a mental wound drain, which isn't all bad.

i wanted to say something about cutting, but wasn't sure if i wanted to say it in public. then i realised it was important to talk about practices like cutting just like it is with eating disorders and body dysmorphia problems. these are things women suffer in wildly skewed numbers because they suffer different and, arguably more intense, pressure. witch, whore or holy mother: fuck, we're just people. i like to use the feminine forms in gender-employing languages to represent the everyperson (rather than the usual masculine forms) to underline this point. after all, if someone says "doctor", you think he's a man, right? no one is immune to this. so i assume you are queer until you specifically inform me you aren't and act on these premises; i subvert language; i fight outwards with my sharp objects and no more inwards.

on the surface, anyway. i think that on some level, i'm still sharpening my claws on my own hide internally, and that's what is causing the pain.

8 comments:

FM said...

lots of cutters in these "perfectionist" skools. i think half the people i know were cutters at some point (and the other half bulimics, heh). sure, it isn't healthy, but it's pretty prevalent. and hidden very well, so well, in fact that the other half of my friends say they've never heard of it and think it's a bizarre and scary thing only done by crazy people... don't even know that their friends are doing it.

me? i think handled stressful things like guys: i stewed, self-medicated, yelled, lost my temper, and threw shit. or at least wrote very long, nasty e-mails.

or maybe it's goth/punk dichotomy: goths cut and turn inward. punks throw shit and release anger on everyone.

ugh i'm so fucked for the bar.

Unknown said...

goths in the hizzouse!

i wasn't a goth.

FM said...

wasn't a punk -- the whole goth/punk analogy... i sort of made that up when i was high once.

Unknown said...

you aren't high now?

ha ha.

laura k said...

Thanks for this post. Someone I love very much is addicted to self injury.

She is so not a goth or a punk. She is a cheerleader. But everyone has pain.

FM said...

the goth / punk thing was a humorous attempt in describing the unfunny phenomenon re: various pain management techniques. people who turn their pain outwards are punks (i.e. "fuckyoufuckyou!!! i listen to loud, fast, angry music."), and people who turn their pain inward are goths (i.e. "i am hurting and i swallow my pain. i listen to introspective and depressing music."), but most people who turn their pain inwards OR outwards in "real life" and not inside my head when i'm high are neither.

laura k said...

i knew it was a joke. i'm just sad because this person is hurting so much and i am unable to help her.

FM said...

it's tough. i've never really been able to help anyone in this matter. it's a compulsion (a "i have to do this NOW!" sort of thing) - an irresistable urge, and with its "hush hush" nature, you feel like you're betraying your friend if you tell anyone. and i've learned that even if you *do* tell someone, the friend will most likely lie to that person and say "no, everything's all right," then continue to do it in secret and just not tell you. it's very frustrating and frankly, not something that can be "fixed" except with the passage of time (that's from my personal experiences, and i'm not a professional, so don't quote me).