insomnia is a humiliating experience. i am not a violent person. in fact, i am on the edge of shame when i think about my short temper and visions of blood-letting over a towed car. rage and hatred do lend a certain feeling of invincibility. when one has reached the stage where the prospect of clawing one's eyes out to shut out that horrid, penetrating, headache-inducing light that just seems to pour from all directions despite pathetic efforts to retreat to place of darkness, a feeling of strength and power is welcome. insomnia is a quick introduction to the experience of the self as a thing. the body rebels in the most infuriating, inert way. it cannot be reasoned with, so sleep cannot be negotiated.
when i could sleep long enough to enter the REM state, i had intense vivid dreams in which my body disintegrated. my skin sloughed off and my hair and teeth fell out. in the dreams, i felt no horror or sorrow at this. the loss of the body was a relief. it was wish fulfillment on a grand scale -- i wanted to discard my body and its need for rest because it so obstinately refused to take the rest i was so earnestly offering it. the body was a source of misery in waking life -- hypersensitive to both sound and light. sometimes, the sound of people talking felt like nails driving relentlessly into my skull.
after a few days of bad sleep, my whole self feels sandy and gritty, and i lose my way in the world. i can't judge time passing because i can't remember anything with the proper context. spilling coffee grinds on the floor causes as much frustration, nay rage and hatred, as having my car towed. i can't assign relative importance to anything, because the mental work involved is simply too much. nevertheless, bodily rebellion is nothing like rebellion of the mind. it spews garbage because the cleaning lady has been locked out. negative emotional energies coagulate in the pathways of my brain, stalking me, waiting for the right moment to seize the controls and unleash all my helpless fury.
never take your mental maid service for granted.
No comments:
Post a Comment