my two cents

this article was in the new york times last year. since we're coming up on the anniversary of the first same-sex marriages in san francisco, i'm going to tear this one apart. something about the slant of this article stuck in my craw... no, this isn't a diatribe against right wing loonies (that's too easy!). this is a gripe against queers who want to stay in the margins of society and want to keep the rest of us there.

Gay Marriage? How Straight By BOB MORRIS

Last week, my boyfriend's best friend, a lesbian, told him she was taking her girlfriend to go tie the knot in San Francisco the first week in April. She wanted him to be there, absolutely. He got all worked up about it, but not the way you might think.

"This whole gay marriage thing is so annoying," he said. "It's aping a bourgeois lifestyle that I've lived my life trying to avoid. I feel confused and betrayed."

what is so annoying about giving people a basic civil right? as a straight member of society, you have the option NOT to "ape a bourgeois lifestyle" (who uses that phrase anyway - you sound like an irritating black turtleneck wearing hipster/whimpster with a useless liberal arts degree) - that is YOUR CHOICE. however, gay people do not have that choice. the state of non-marriage is imposed upon them by society. no one is forcing YOUR ass to get married, so quit whining; it's in your head. you remind me of women who refuse to get married and want to spend their lives avoiding monogamy because marriage "is a patriarchal institution." bullshit. get your head out of 1805. this is 2005 - women hold high end executive jobs and are even senators and secretary of state - that whole dowry and "good wifey churn butter for man" crap has gone the way of the buffalo - at least in the united states. the inequities in salaries and social status are closing more and more, so quit defining an institution by roles that were in place 200 years ago. basically, these are all excuses. live the lives that you want to live, but don't blame the institution of marriage for your problems.

He is not alone. Many gay men and lesbians - in fact most of the ones I know - are not jumping to jump the broom. They like their status as couples living between the lines, free of all the societal expectations that marriage brings. But since they don't want to feed politicians using gay marriage as an election issue, they are largely mum.

no... many gay activists and gay citizens like you and me pushed the issue. SOME of us queer folks don't want to live in the margins of society, okay?

"It's very hard to speak freely right now," said Judith Butler, a gender theorist and professor at the University of California, Berkeley. "But many gay people are uncomfortable with all this, because they feel their sense of an alternative movement is dying. Sexual politics was supposed to be about finding alternatives to marriage."

you can find alternatives to marriage even if marriage exists for your demographic group. a lot of straight people are in no rush to get married. what are you people so afraid of?

"I've been with the same woman for 13 years," she continued, "and she jokes if I ever tried to marry her she'd divorce me. I know many people who feel the same way."

good then. when marriage becomes available, don't get married. simple.

That's not to say that there isn't a reason to fight for a basic civil right. But ask around. You'll find more than a few gays questioning an institution that mixes property rights with love, church with state. Some also complain that a legal and legislative process that should take time to evolve has become a media circus. They even wonder if they will be forced to marry to receive domestic partnership benefits from their employers. And of course, given the present divorce rate, many feel that most civil unions are more civilized than marriages.

so you'd rather not be able to visit a dying parter in a hospital, not remain in your home if your partner dies without a will, not automatically retain custody of your kids if your partner dies, not be able to get the tax exemptions that could help your family, or any of the 1,000+ federal rights available to married couples. and boo fuckin' hoo about not getting domestic partnership benefits from your employer if you don't get married. my straight friends who live in committed relationships without getting married don't get those benefits! the reason why those benefits exist in the first place is because society has denied us the option to get married. think about it.

"We have a right to be as miserable as straight people," said the playwright Paul Rudnick, who has been in a gay relationship for 11 years and has not thought about marriage, "especially if we want the gifts." Mr. Rudnick's current play, "Valhalla," at the New York Theater Workshop, makes an argument for the gay contributions to society that have more to do with a passion for beauty and extravagance than propriety and social standing.

so you'd rather be the court jester instead of the king. that's fine, but some of us want to be king (or um... queen!! ;) :D).

But beyond just the "queer eye" contributions of taste and the more substantive one of art commonly associated with gay people, there is the valued point of view of the outsider. "The idea of being different is in itself beautiful," said Jack Waters, a downtown filmmaker in a 22-year relationship, who finds that not having children with his partner, Peter Kramer, lets them serve as mentors in all kinds of ways to younger people.

being "different" is fine. being in the back of the bus is not. can you imagine if the black folks in the 50's said "hey, it's nice having different water fountains! it makes us feel special!" or are you so brainwashed by skewedlefty(tm) ideology that you can't think straight?

Who's to say that there aren't other important rights associated with being gay that aren't exactly on the books?

"I like being an outlaw," said Roz Lichter, a lawyer who won't marry her partner.

out of respect for roz (who is an excellent attorney), i will not say anything here, except that she and her partner would make great outlaws in a western film. but still, permanent "outlaw" status is NOT GOOD!

"We don't have any of the typical social roles imposed on how we live," said Philip Galanes, a novelist in a long-term relationship with no wedding plans. "We have the freedom to be husband and wife rolled into one. If there's so much creativity among gay people, maybe it's because we're allowed to be freer in life in all kinds of ways."

no, you are not ALLOWED TO BE FREER. you were forced into thinking up creative ways to substitute for something you were not allowed to have. again, even if you have the option to marry, which is available to straight people, you can still CHOOSE NOT TO. you can still "have the freedom" to do anything you want, including getting married... or not!

Or maybe it's because we're allowed to be single without being stigmatized.

so you'd rather be stignatized in general. i see.

At least we used to be. These days, with the Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund publishing an "educational guide" stating that gay people are "very much like everyone else," mowing lawns and having children, and that not allowing them to marry keeps them "in a state of permanent adolescence," you have to wonder if the freedom to define your own life in your own way is going the way of cigarettes in bars.

i wouldn't say "in a state of permanent adolescence." you can still stay in a state of permanent adolescence if the option to get married exists. you can also "mow lawns and have children" and not be in a state of permanent adolescence if the option does not exist. however, the lack of marriage rights keeps us on a separate and not very equal plane from straight people.

"Being gay and single is the new smoking," Mr. Rudnick said. "It won't be socially acceptable anymore, and you will have to go outside." Or as Michael Musto, the Village Voice columnist, told me: "It used to be that the whole point of coming out of the closet was to get people to stop asking you when you are going to get married and have children."

no, the whole point of coming out of the closet was to stop living a lie. to stop hiding from your friends and family. the whole "getting married and having children" thing is irrelevant.

Those days are just about over, for better or for worse.

i suspect some of these old folks are just having sour grapes. you can't have it, so you say you don't like it. well, this is the new generation, and we're going to be kings (and queens!), not court jesters, and we're not going to revel in the fact that we are "outsiders." we're taking over, so MOVE BITCH, GET OUT THA WAY!

oh, and let the flames begin.