jamie, queen of england

for those who appreciate irony: james the first, who commissioned the king james version of the bible so beloved by ignorAnuses and christiaNazis, was a big, fat homosexual.

and it was no secret. when our charles james, who was then King James IV of Scotland, inherited the throne of England as King James I of England, it was snidely remarked in the broadsheets, rex fvit elizabeth nvnc est regina iacobvs, which is Latin for "Elizabeth was king & now James is queen."

among his lovers were:

1. his boyfriend from his teen years, Esmé Stuart, Seigneur d'Aubigny & Earl of Lennox, who eventually fled back to Aubigny, France after death threats originating with Scottish clergyman wary of a royal alliance with a "Papist".

2. his pageboy Robert Carr, who became Earl of Somerset.

3. royal cupbearer George Villiers, whom he made Duke of Buckingham and of whom he said, defending their relationship, "Jesus had his John, and I have my George."

so ha ha, unclefuckers: your belov'd text, which you claim holds true to the "original, pure text", unlike the "impure, tampered" translations into modern English (which remove obvious text-tampering and use older sources than were available to Jacobian Englishmen), was commissioned by a flaming faggot.

to cite a famous monologue,

this is the queer collective. resistance is futile. prepare to be ass-stimulated. we will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. you will adapt to service us. resistance is futile.

welcome to the queer revolution, oh my many siblings of varying & not infrequently indeterminate sex & gender! your first classes in your first semester as drones of the collective will be critical writing and thinking: an introduction to spelling, analysis & writing with clarity, grace & homosexual repartée; deprogramming: the art of turning off the telly and talking to people without shouting or using ALL CAPS; and hygiene & grooming: why queers get laid a lot and why you need be bitter and angry about this fact no more. please pick up your textbooks and lab materials (toyboxes, hygiene/style kits & industrial toolboxes) before next week's courses begin.

we think like sapient beings, we look & fuck like your wildest dreams, and we can build a house or a fabulous dinner party with the same ease. so put down the goddamn'd king james version and go buy the buttplugs and lube you need for H&G class.