oh dear, i see my cat's future

this description reminds me of my cat. which is disturbing.

highlights:

Taylor is a weird cat. Always has been. He's strangely anti-social, but then will hang out in a room and stare at everyone. [snip] The Cat Who Hates To Be Touched

[snip] I do not want to zonk my kitty, because I refuse to let Taylor move to Los Angeles and develop a drug habit, like so many cats do on these mean streets. So I administered my own Wonder Killer home remedy: I'm loading him up on catnip. Once a night I pour some 'nip near their favorite scratching box, and the three cats have a weed orgy and love me and you and love love and life and oh! isn't everything just divine?

[snip] [H]e still swats at us with the same amount of Mike Tyson-like power.

i'll post a picture of my shredded forearms and hands if i can get emily1 to hold the camera. just in case you doubt that a cat can box like mike tyson. i'm missing an ear, i tell you, and it's not because my surname is van Gogh.

[W]e're worried that Taylor's hit the sad part of puberty. Soon he'll lock himself up in the bedroom and update his LiveJournal all night long and won't want to hang out with us anymore because we're so stupid and lame and we totally won't let him stay up all night at Julie's party, just because there are going to be boys there. Gah.

The vet rubbed Taylor's head and said, "There's nothing wrong with Taylor. He's healthy. He's just not very happy right now. He doesn't like something about how he's living. You just figure out WHAT YOU'VE DONE WRONG TO FUCK UP YOUR CAT WITH YOUR SELFISH, SELFISH LIFE. WHY DON'T YOU GO OUT OF TOWN AGAIN, PAM? WHY DON'T YOU RUN OFF TO ASPEN FOR A WEEK? THAT'LL MAKE TAYLOR FEEL REALLY LOVED AND WANTED. WHY NOT INVITE THIRTY-SEVEN PEOPLE OVER TO YOUR HOUSE OR FILL IT WITH BOXES SO TAYLOR ALWAYS THINKS HE'S ABOUT TO MOVE? OH, THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING SINCE YOU MOVED A FEW MONTHS AGO? WELL, THEN, I DON'T KNOW WHY TAYLOR WOULD BE ACTING FUNNY. SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE BEING THE PERFECT PARENT."

Or maybe that's just what I heard.

[snip] Other than that I just keep petting him, which he really hates but also loves, because he hates how much he loves us.

spanky, darling... are drugs in your future? because this is the road you're on, and i know you read this website at night when the emilys are sleeping. momma zilch loves you. stop hurting momma zilch or she's going to lock you in the bathroom again.

incidentally, my cat is an emily, not a henry like Taylor, and her issue isn't licking, it is scratching in the poo-box. she'll go in there and dig and dig and dig and dig. i've seen her dig for 45 minutes, though these days after about two i grab the squirtgun and start spraying. damn that is annoying.

and there may not be a more ornery cat on the planet. spanky is named for her trenchant need to spank everyone who tries to pet her, show her love, or just enter the house. yet ignore her for five minutes and she climbs right into your lap, where you sit in terror until she decides to move because if you try to pet her or move at all, SCREECH! WHAM! a car accident in the form of a mexican tuxedo kitten, and it's happening to you.