Dreams

last night, i dreamed that my parents were getting divorced. as usual, i didn't write about about my dreams as soon as i woke up. i regret the oversight. in the dream, i was shocked and depressed to the point of tears about the news. my mother had a flippant response when i asked why they had chosen to split instead of trying to work out their differences. after all, my parents have been married for nearly forty years. all i remember about her response is that they had arguments while reading the newspaper.

my first response when i woke up was to try and forget about it. my parents divorcing would be a most singular psychic trauma, and i would be devastated if it ever happened in real life. but as with most of my dreams, the content is not a literal representation of a literal fear. now that a number of hours have passed, and my emotions are settled, i'm trying to figure out what anxiety my sleeping brain was attempting to represent.

recently, i had a chat with a republican friend with whom i have had many heated discussions over the past year. both of us have been under-going a certain amount of soul-searching where our politics are concerned, and this was one of the subjects of our discussion. at one point, i mentioned that my parents are on opposite ends of the political spectrum. as with most successful marriages, they've managed to reach a workable compromise on differences of opinion. they simply do not discuss politics, and mostly, they seem to get along quite well.

i mentioned my fear that political dialogue in the united states has reached a point where it is mostly hysterical hyperbole. republicans increasingly refer to democrats as wanna be socialist stalinists who want to tell everybody what's good for them. the democrats increasingly refer to the republicans as a wanna be theocratic, fascist, christian taliban who want to tell everyone what's good for them. this used to be the kind of conversation one encountered between representatives of the extremes of the political spectrum.

the sheer hysteria in our national political dialogue makes it practically impossible to have a civil, shared national debate about our social and economic goals. this very problem has made me increasingly worried and depressed about the state of our union. aren't we all americans despite our differences? why is it that every discussion not dominated by one camp or the other resembles a brawl with teeth bared and knives unsheathed?

i fear that our country is headed for a train wreck politically, socially, and economically. i fear that the often contentious marriage between both ends of our political spectrum is headed for an acrimonious divorce. i fear that the nature of the always on-going political debate is no longer about hammering out policy compromise, but rather about trying to determine who is going to win and who is going to lose -- a power struggle, if you will.

as someone who has been to therapy, i learned all about the damaging and debilitating nature of power struggles. no one ever really wins them. they are often catastrophic for relationships because compromise becomes impossible. it is my opinion that compromise is really the only way to get along. compromise means that both sides respect that their needs and wants are in conflict with those of other people. when this conflict devolves into a power struggle, neither participant acknowledges the legitimacy of the other's desires and needs.

the 'winner' of a power struggle enjoys a pyrrhic victory. not only have they alienated their opponent, a fellow human being, but they have set themselves on a ill-chosen path where self-centered psychic preservation trumps all other needs. short translation -- it becomes increasingly difficult for them to acknowledge that they can ever be mistaken. this close-mindedness will haunt them in that they will chose to surround themselves only with those people who will not challenge them. when this becomes a primary driving force for anyone's way of living, they will be unable to achieve meaningful intimacy with another human being.

they will always be scrutinizing those with whom they associate for signs of opposition. disagreement becomes a hair trigger for an all out war of wills. the power struggle strategy for human relationships is self-reinforcing and the person who refuses to abandon it condemns themselves to a pattern of dysfunctional behaviors.

the 'loser' suffers humiliation and resentment at having their needs and desires dismissed handily as if they were of no consequence. some of them can walk away from the conflict with minimal damage, but others take it to heart and set out on the same dysfunctional path. they also think that winning is more important than anything else, mostly to avoid the humiliation they associate with 'losing'. they adopt the same damaging strategy in moments of conflict that originally led to their humiliation in the first place. this is why most 'winners' of power struggles were once 'losers.'

any experienced therapist can tell you that power struggles destroy marriages. each half of the equation feels as if they are in a mortal struggle to defend and preserve their sense of self. all conflicts, all disagreement are received as a personal, humiliating attack. i fear that this dyfunctional style is over-taking our national political dialogue. pettiness and exaggeration is everywhere. the opposition is no longer worthy of the status of 'human', and, therefore, is merely an obstacle to be defeated.

the reason this situation keeps me up at night and fills my stomach with a cold and unrelenting sense of dread is that these kinds of circumstances lead to societies with elements of fascism and a highly militant response to debate. the paranoia of conflicts laced with the elements of a power struggle within personal relationships has only a limited circle of damage. when it comes to characterize the relationship between political parties, entire societies are damaged. ideology becomes more important than effective policy.

labels become paramount. i can't count the number of times i have read discussions dominated by republicans and democrats alike where participants are reviled for not sticking to the party line. "you not a real republican!" and "you're not a real democrat" ring across the internet like five year old voices at a playground fist fight. the sad part is that the actual subject of the debate falls by the wayside.