Saturday, April 21, 2007

i don't know if i've changed, or if i've finally just realized who the fuck i am. i just wrote a really long post, my second one here, and erased it. it felt incredibly cleansing. i suppose there's a part of me that is full of stupid regrets for things i'd like to believe i shouldn't have said or done or could have done differently, probably like every damn other person. they say, after all, the most corny things are usually the most true.

i am sitting on my roommate's floor, in a blue sundress with ruffles on the bottom. it is not even my dress. i am also wearing a bright pink hoodie that i rescued from the trash. it brings out the lovely yellow undertones to my skin, i sure wish jaundice was "in". no matter. i am feeling a bit divorced from myself and nature at the moment, torn between seething anger and pure contentment. it's a strange place to be. so of course, my natural reaction was to just start writing.

i'm from the land in the north where there are trees. trees you can climb, sit under, make millions of gallons of maple sugar for year 'round pancakes, and heat your fucking house. in this land there are also lakes where stupid tourists have little colonies that resemble cities in how tightly the people are packed and tacky shops for them to fork over their money in. i grew up pitying these people and now i am one of them. of course.

today was the first sunny day forever and i couldn't climb a tree in the middle of boston because there were too many people and i was wearing a skirt and wasn't in the mood for an arrest record. i am almost too poor to eat, waiting for that damn check in the mail. i work as a nude model for art schools, because the hours are good and it allows me to be an artist. i am an artist, a musician, because there is no other way i feel i can live and be happy. i am young, but i have stared death in the fucking face too many times in too many ways to not live my life the best way i can. when i say music has saved my life, i mean it. several times. over and over. i went to music school straight out of high school, after i almost didn't pass my senior year because it's not worth doing your homework when you're gonna go kill yourself anyway. 'nuff said there: basically, i choose to live happily, which means living poor. it is a choice. it is something i have almost completely accepted. but today i have come to the conclusion that money is not the root of all evil, it is simply an excellent way to illuminate what is evil in us.

and that is all.

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